Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires

Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.

My brain when someone says something shitty to me: ok 😔

My brain when I’m trying to fall asleep 3 months later: Know what you could’ve said? bro you are not gonna believe this, it’s perfect. But actually if you don’t like that one, I came up with 17 other options ok ready

*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30

*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05

If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.

My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?

Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-

6: Is that because you keep giving it away??

Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”

*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*

Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January

“Make Them Riot” was my band in high school. We did reggae covers of Carpenters songs.

Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.

RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists

Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…

Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.

“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house

When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”

I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.

million dollar idea: worm dehorser

[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.

[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.

Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.

Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED

I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.

I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.

Thanks YouTube

can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture

Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.

Website: are you a robot?

Cyborg: *sweating activated*

Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins

Me: i’m taking a plane Linda

My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”

no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball

Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.

detective: looks like someone cut the victim open

mortician: that was me

detective: *into wire* we got em

[My Wedding]

Me: I do

Guests: Awww

Me: Or do I?

Guests: Ooooo

The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.

Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.