Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.

I have 12 days until I have to change my password at work and can’tuse any of the last 15 passwords I have used, long story short, I’m going to need a new job.

It’s my birthday!

This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈

i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony

Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?

A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv

After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.

Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.

Friday night plans

*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac

My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.

I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.

Me: *on safari naked*

Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?

Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!

Someone: oh wow nice pants

Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS

This lunch pairs well with watching 9 minutes of a tv show

Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”

Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”

Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off

Products that are really small are like free samples, right?

Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…

Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”

Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES

me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer

also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING

I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen

Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.

On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓

[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t

(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”

“Honey, bunches of oats–”

“I think we’re done here.”

I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.

They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.

Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?

Not much more embarrassing than going to play hoops with a friend and they’re thinking basketball and you’ve guessed hula.

My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀