Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
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energy cannot be created nor destroyed
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
Can Happiness buy money?
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
roses are red
i fall when i skate
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.