Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
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Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop