Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
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Yes that is a knife in my pocket, and no I’m not happy to see you.
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
Festive toon…
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
pet owners be like “this is my pet john but their nicknames are booboo and thicky boy ”
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.