Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
You Might Also Like
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
B
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.