Father’s Day is the day my wife gets on all fours and lets me do ANYTHING I want to her. I usually lay back and use her as an ottoman.
“Vodka martini. Shaken not stirred.”
“So just the normal way you make a martini then?”
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cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Well well well. If it isn’t old Saint Nick trying to slide down this chimney after ignoring my texts for a year.
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
COMEDY FAN: Ugh their set was only 95% new material, lame
MUSIC FAN: Oh man I hope they play my favorite song that they’ve played 71,000 times
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.