Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase

Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product

If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…

I’m locked out. Come let me in.

*God invents corgis*

God: what ingredients do we have left

Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet

God: lol check this out

Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”

-Eminem at a farm.

BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop

*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*

I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches

I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.

Probably just poor graphic design…

Still not gonna drink from it.

Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.

I’m seeing someone new, and we’re at the stage where it’s all sunshine and lollipops and he hasn’t seen me eat a quesadilla like a hungry dinosaur at 2am.

[Pizza falls on the ground]

Hold

HOLD!

-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.

how it started vs how it ended

A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”

Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess

I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!

Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.

Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?

date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?

me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.

I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there

If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.

Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*

Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw

(by @ZachWeiner )

So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.

My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.

*Husband forgets to close screen on door*

*4 hrs later*

Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*

(life flashing before my eyes)

paramedics: why is he cringing?

Genie: what is your first wish

Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please

G: I’m a genie not a witch

Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.

All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.

I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.