Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
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Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
telling a musician “great content tonight, man” after their set
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
i could never be president. im overqualified.
95% percent of forest fires are caused by someone walking in corduroy pants.
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there