[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
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Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
My kid, asking the important questions after I told her I’d gone to the PTA meeting this morning, “How did you wear your hair?”
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
I was bored.
they should invent a customer service center that isnt currently experiencing higher than normal call volume
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
My ducks may not be in a row, but at least they’re having fun. Your ducks probably hate you for making them line up like that.
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
Me: Do you ever get a sharp stabbing pain in your head and groin?
Annoying coworker: No.Me, angrily throwing away the voodoo doll
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.