Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.

I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.

Wife: “Tony is coming round”

Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”

Tony: “I’m here for the money.”

*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*

them: if you could, what three words would you tell your younger self?

me: marry a chiropractor

Wife: I want to see some snow.

Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.

Wife: I’d rather see snow.

comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks

My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.

ME: you really put the cute in executione-

WARDEN: alright hit the switch

Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.

Me: Secretly? No.

4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…

How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:

1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die

All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.

If you ever suspect you might be in a horror movie just don’t do anything! Dont go anywhere. Sit down lol just take a nap

the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.

I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.

If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.

In related news, I just broke up with my mom

Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!

Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please

A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.

Guess he was lucky

*puts on sunglasses*

It was a soft drink

#FFFC

instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?

A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.

You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.

[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]

Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.

Atheists are Popeless romantics.

[job interview]

willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies

oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position

Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.

Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.

Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough