[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
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It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
I don’t want kids, but I do want grandkids. Hoping science finds a way
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
Dude told me his sister got in trouble for drugs. I called her Bethanphetamine, he blocked me. Too bad. There was potential
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.