[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
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If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
I’ll be like “I know a spot” and dig you a grave.
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
me: i snuck in some snacks
me: *clutching ramen noodles* do you have any boiling water