Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: you really put the cute in executione-

WARDEN: alright hit the switch

“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”

{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.

According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later

My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.

So. Yeah.

If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.

Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.

My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet

*dusts off treadmill*

Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.

It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers

Is this your resume?

“Yep”

It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away

“Oh yes”

Welcome to UPS!

I’m pretty like a car crash.

Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments

In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.

Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.

Humans were not meant to have this many passwords

[Movie Theatre]

Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.

8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.

Me:

Employee:

*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*

the way this pissed me off… 😭

Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES

“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”

*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”

“sir…that’s a parrot”

Stop undressing me with your eyes!!

Use your teeth.

how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell

Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?

Me: Sorry I was busy

W: Doing what?

*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*

Me: Uh..

i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other

I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.

Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity

According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.

My daughter got to pack her own lunch for the last day of school and it included a donut, 2 bags of chips, a shaker of sprinkles, and 1 tiny baby carrot because “it’s important to be healthy”

[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”

Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.

Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.