Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?

Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.

It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story

Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.

Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?

All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.

Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:

Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like

Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like

Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand

As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.

Time flies like an arrow…

But fruit flies like a banana.

[being chased by killer]

ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*

Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin

Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.

A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time

[on a stakeout]

COP: did you bring your walkie talkie

ME: no but I do have a runny nosey

Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur

My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life

I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.

[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why

I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.

Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…

I call my period Shark week.

I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere

Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?

Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?

9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.

Me: ok..

9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma

Me: ok so

9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something

*Takes one earbud out*

*Hears kids fighting*

*Puts earbud back in*

#damn

I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.

I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”

Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.

When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.

After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit

My son found me crying in the kitchen, wrapped his arms around me and whispered, “Is it because of your hair?” Now I’m crying for two reasons.

Do zombies go to heaven when they die?

I hope so.

There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.