VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
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HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
Okay me first
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working