Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training

Hm.
No kidding?
HUH.
Really?
Wow, I did not know that.

– me, reading my daughter’s Driver’s Ed textbook

Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with

PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted

Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.

Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.

“Where was you at?”

I was probably not skipping English class.

Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers

Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!

Shoulder angel:

Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone

im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time

You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.

HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive

Me: I wish I was super hot.

Menopause: Say no more, fam.

I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.

Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.

Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.

If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.

Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.

Newborn: *cries*

Me: *cries better*

BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive

Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?

That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right

-Goldilocks on Tinder

*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!

Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!

Do I wish for flying pigs?

Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices

*has idea
*starts building catapult

[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe

Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands

My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.

Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College

If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.

realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”

Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards

Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.