Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
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*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
– Are you suuure there’s nothing to eat?
-One moment, let me check my bra
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
love dating someone really offline because I can blatantly pass off various other people’s tweets as my own jokes
I hate when flies rub their disgusting little hands together… what could you possibly be plotting… you can’t even get out of the open window
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
No, he would not have.
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.