“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
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me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.