@Mr_Kapowski

Voiceover: Continued use of this drug may cause but isn’t limited to blurry vision, nausea, knowing the lyrics to the Macarena, diarrhea

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@SirEviscerate

ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*

@BlackCheesePie

this is your brain

*points to egg*

but this is your brain ON DRUGS

*puts egg on pile of drugs*

@psybermonkey

[Family game night]

Grandma: what are the rules?

Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head

@Parkerlawyer

Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.

@dance_blessed

Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.

@badbanana

Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.

@brynnester

Me: I got you these

Wife: Self Rising, All Purpose and Wholewheat?

Me: Well you said I never buy you flours

@AbbieEvansXO

[alternative timeline]

Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school

Hitler: [clenches fists]

Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist

@stephenjmolloy

*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*