Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
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Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
Beards are a privilege, not a right
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
Sorry I made promises on Friday
This woman is my idol. Free her.
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum