Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
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WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
A large group of people is called an eww no thank you
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
This is my emotional support Jurassic Park Burger King watch
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
Why can’t opportunity just leave itself on my doorstep and send me a photo
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
HR said no more nunchucks.
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer