Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
Abandoned amusement parks are so creepy.. it’s no wonder they were abandoned
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
They’re the worst 😩
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
Everyone younger than me is an idiot. Everyone older than me has lost their mind.
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
