Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
There should be a Mad Max movie that reveals the world outside Australia has actually remained pretty normal
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
Ummm
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
