Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
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I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
I only look at Wordle for the articles
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.