@NewDadNotes

Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]

James Potter: push down and then pull back

Voldemort: I am [still struggling]

Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it

Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10

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@raniao2011

I don’t hold grudges or plot for revenge, I will simply send a bunch of Jehovah’s witnesses to your door…on a daily basis.

@elle91

Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.

@OohSnapItsChris

Girls love a mysterious man, shiny things and a good chase. Supposedly that doesn’t mean put on a mask & run after her with a knife.

@Darlainky

Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.

@AristotlesNZ

Me: Are these your kids?
Boss: “Yep”
They’re gorgeous!
“Thanks”
Step kids?
“Nope”
Adopted?
“No..”
..
“..”
She’s cheating on you..
“Get out”

@ColeNoorda

Wife: How’d therapy go?

Me: She said I need to share more details about my experiences with you.

Wife: And?

Me: That’s it.

@ShesARealGenius

Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you

@simoncholland

Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.

@sarcasticmommy4

A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.

On the way to school.