Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My humor is broken

“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”

[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]

News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.

Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!

whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him

I wish I loved anything as much as teenage baggers at the grocery store love treating my fruit like it was made of adamantium.

Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.

A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.

Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?

Me: No

B: Tell me our company policy

M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober

I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.

I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back

It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..

No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.

My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.

What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.

are there any atheist mantises?

I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.

me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit

A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??

Imguana see myself out

“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”

“my name is Denise”

If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl

4-year-old: Dad?

Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.

4:

Me:

4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?

Now I’m awake.

How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.

HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym

ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes

My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.

At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.

My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.

A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.

I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.

[fans out the deck]

Pick a card, any card..

Memorize it..

[hits you in the face with a shovel]

KING OF SPADES!

[walks off]

dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor