Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

cop: know why I pulled you over?

fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick

me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg

me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie

wife: i’m leaving you

me: is it because i’m a chameleon

wife: no you’re not

me: I can change I swear

How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..

George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.

Them: Describe your personality using one word.

Me: no

Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.

[6 ½ hour car ride]

Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.

Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*

Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business

If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…

What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?

Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates

my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?

added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.

While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.

When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.

How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:

1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable

Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?

damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do

If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?

The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.

High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others

Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”

In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids

I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.

Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:

1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene

Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:

William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black

My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.

Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.

Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.

Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.

The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.