Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
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My 20mo came in while I was giving 4yo a bath w a bath bomb. “Pink bath?” She asked, dumbfounded. My husband took her to her room but seconds later she came thundering down the hall, pointing, blinded by the injustice, “PINK BATH!!” She yelled and tried to climb in fully clothed.
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
*fills out form*
*clicks “send me a copy”*
email: *dings*
me: ooh what’s that
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
So it turns out that all of the tire places with “discount” in their name have the same prices as everyone else.
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not