Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
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A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
Active voice: “I love your article”
Passive voice: “Your article is loved”
Passive-aggressive voice: “I love the potential this article had”
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
I saw an ad for a tree removal service with the line “We’ll come to you!” Great idea! So much more convenient than dragging my yard across town.
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
crochet youtube is brutal
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.