Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I love Bowl Season

Them: yeah, football every day for a month!

Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?

I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.

Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?

97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.

i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other

Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.

Oh to be a 1998 baby

✔️ first memory is 9/11

✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008

✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession

The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking

911: what room is the body in

me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird

Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too

age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]

Ask your child how many minutes they think are left on a car journey instead of them asking you.

I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead

Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed

I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”

What they say: “Parenting is hard.”

What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”

Me too

Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money

Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.

HARRY POTTER: 🙁

DUMBLEDORE: 🙁

VOLDEMORT: : (

[home depot]

employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE

me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT

I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant

I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely

[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahaha

Colonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?

Me: Yeah why?

Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now

I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.

me: hey man you ready to go?

goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone

me:

goku: AHHHHHHHHHH

me: almost done?

goku: AHHHHHHHHHH

me: son of a-

[On the next episode of…]

when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok

Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁

My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.