Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
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Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza