Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
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People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.