A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
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me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
where the womens at?
Denise please return my vape pen
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what