Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Twitter: Ed Asner died

Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor

T: Betty White is trending

Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!

T: She’s fine

Me: Why would you do that?

Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.

Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”

Day Two: Murder

Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…

Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.

I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣

She said she was a cat person…

…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.

My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure

Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?

“Yes, everyone.”

Me: Evil never sleeps

Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT

I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂

do not bother me while I am eating my tacos and drinking my oversized margarita or I will become feral and add you to my taco meats

Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?

My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.

If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?

Get in, there’s no time to explain.

If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.

I can’t name one person who is absolutely 100% useless to society

But my Dad did

“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER

The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.

my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???

Just had to spell the word “bourgeoisie” while sharing my screen. Jesus Christ

ODE TO TWITTER

🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶

Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly

My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.

Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.

As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.

Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail