Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?

Me: Buy stuff

My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.

I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model

Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes

Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!

I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone

When I grow up, I want to be 16

For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater

Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:

Why aren’t you helping me??

*starts to help*

You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!

Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.

Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?

Me: Sure.

Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.

Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision

ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98

ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me

My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.

i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years

I was raised by my father.

He was a competitive poker player.

Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.

Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.

Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.

Everybody okay?

grotesque if literal: baby food

This dad at the mall is confidently pushing an empty stroller like “I’ve got this” and there’s a toddler 20 feet behind trying to catch up

I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere

pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?

saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?

😂

The struggle is real

frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.

I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?

Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good

Him: that’s my bandaid

Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.

I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”