volunteer in charge: we are gonna walk around and search for clues about the missing girl.
guy who just bought a new fly fishing rod: we should check the lake first![]()
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If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
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as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that