volunteer in charge: we are gonna walk around and search for clues about the missing girl.
guy who just bought a new fly fishing rod: we should check the lake first
You Might Also Like
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
[eats all your cotton candy]
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.