volunteer in charge: we are gonna walk around and search for clues about the missing girl.
guy who just bought a new fly fishing rod: we should check the lake first
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Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
I’ve had so much tea trying to get rid of this cold that I’m now speaking with a British accent and am fascinated with the Royal family.
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
dan dan noodles… the food so nice they danned it twice. thanks for liking my posts
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
The best part about sleeping alone is not having to share my blanket or rotisserie chicken
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
Some will get it! Hmm 🤔?¿
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
In-person meetings at the office are a wonderful way to help your developers take a break from being productive
Tastes like chicken.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell