Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.

Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.

Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately

Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?

wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen

Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you

Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?

Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”

Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??

“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats

I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.

I learned 2 things today:

My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck

That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck

[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me

*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*

August 9th is Book Lovers Day! Not to brag but I once wrote a book on pizza. My publisher suggested I use paper next time.

I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.

*dents another car while parking*

*leaves note under windshield wiper*

“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”

My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.

My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.

There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.

I have written yet another poem about laundry

Chasing my dream

Dream: I have a girlfriend

BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”

Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake

Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.

Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone

Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?

Let’s see her walk backward.

Now diagonally.

Cha-cha real smooth.

Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.

common English mistakes:

-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place

Me: *curling my hair*

Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.

me: *getting murdered*

wait.. did you wash your hands?

If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.