Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*seductively eats two tums*

me: excuse me, my chicken is cold

waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here

[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]

The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.

I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.

A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]

My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.

I hate hotel bath towels.
So thick and fluffy I can’t even close my suitcase!!

I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.

It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child

[first date]

her: what did you study in college

me: (wearing ski mask) burgling

the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally

Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog

He’s a ladies man

You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?

My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.

The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.

I’m afraid to be cremated and have the whole place smelling like honey BBQ and bacon

Uglier.

Angel: But, sir…

I SAID UGLIER!

– God inventing cycling outfits.

Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.

How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night

[First Date]

No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.

[Second Date]

*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*

An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re low on eyes.

Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.

A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop

So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.

Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert

A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.

Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.

Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…

*opens laptop
*types

Wife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.