Voodoo map
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‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
23. the denim jacket
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
“Look, I’m not going to sugar coat it.”
-why my donut shop failed
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.