Voodoo map
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The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
Visiting the cinema back in the day and asked to see “12 Monkeys”. The person serving me asked “How many?”, to which I genuinely replied with some confusion “12?”. Still makes me laugh and cringe in equal measure.
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
Leaving the Barbers like
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”