Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My Mum on football…
Mum “If I was a player I wouldn’t want the responsibility”
Me “Of what?”
Mum “The ball. I’d pretend I was busy”

I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.

a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class

me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean

brain: probably will be good in a minute

me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month

I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment

Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.

Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you

13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?

Me: what do you want?

13: what do we have?

Me: the same things we always have

13: like what tho

I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.

I just have a thing for really bad cookies.

I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.

Your honor these allegations are

[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it

*limbos away from your hug*

Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.

The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.

When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch

Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock

*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*

Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….

Got it?

Then there’s dating me.

No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.

I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone

It’s Open Mike Night at the autopsy lab.

Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?

Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.

[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-

[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU

Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it

u spoke cat all this time??????

Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later

Pollen: lol, ok

only three people know my grandma’s secret tuna casserole recipe & two of them have been missing since 1957