Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.

Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.

Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.

the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face

[1983]

FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!

ME: Hahaha, cool!

[just now]

ME: OH SHIT BILLY

My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.

left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird

[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords

My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.

I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist

People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!

First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.

Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*

Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!

Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop

People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die

Climax comes before effort, but only in a dictionary.

[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service

Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.

She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”

And that’s how the fight started

I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.

[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right

[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*

“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.

“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.

Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you

I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference

me: time for sleep 🙂

my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??

me: [picking my nose]

surgeon: great choice