Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
You Might Also Like
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
SONOFA
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
Somebody should market a beer called “Occasionally”.
So when asked, I can say, “I only drink occasionally”.
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
Wife: Why are you so handsome?
Me: Because I have an amazing wife who takes care of me and motivates me to stay in shape and eat well
Wife: 🥰
Me: Why are you so pretty?
Wife: bc I have a skin care routine
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy