Vote for me I’ll cut the alphabet in half
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Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
Always…
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.