Vote for me I’ll cut the alphabet in half
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[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
when there are deer in the woods
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
Bartenders are just boneless bars
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
Wikigenius
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!