Vote for me I’ll cut the alphabet in half
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I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
I feel it
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
Bees might live longer if they repelled people by handing out religious pamphlets instead of the old sting and die approach.
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco