Vote for me I’ll cut the alphabet in half
You Might Also Like
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
Just paid £200 for a train ticket. If the inspector doesn’t turn up, I’m going looking for him.
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
Urgh. Trying to buy a copy of Catch-22 online but the seller won’t post it until I’ve paid and I won’t pay until I’ve received it.
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.