Vote for me I’ll cut the alphabet in half
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When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right