Voter fraud started when I lost People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive in 1997.
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sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
Me: I have a toothache
WebMD: Your dad is the Zodiac killer
My hips? Compulsive liars.
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute