Voter fraud started when I lost People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive in 1997.
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*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
Technically, all the money I have ever spent on food has been flushed down the toilet.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
it’s the cirrrrrrrrrrrrrcle of liiiiife
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
huge valentines day plans this year!!
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest