Voter fraud started when I lost People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive in 1997.
You Might Also Like
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
My workout goals are simple: I’d just like to be able to get up off the floor without looking like a turtle trying to flip itself back over.
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
keeping a picture of my bed in a locket around my neck and staring at it longingly on my lunch break
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.