Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.

People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?

As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here

“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob

I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.

Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.

Window air conditioners are the camel of the appliance world.

You haven’t turned the A/C on in a month? It has rained 0.04″ in the past 2 weeks? Don’t worry, the A/C has planned for this and has stored up water to pour out onto your pants and the floor as soon as you remove it.

BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop

Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.

me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment

boyfriend:

Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black

Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached

I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon

Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.

My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.

Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.

To anyone who heard me yelling, know that I nicely asked my children 7x to get in their car seats, and they did everything but get in their seats.

My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.

*Opening presents

1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!

2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!

A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.

All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.

I’m pushing for thankgiving to be at my place because I’m not a good cook, but according to every underdog sports movie I’ve ever seen, the higher the stakes the likelier it’ll all work out

Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”

4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door

me: oh wow that’s silly

4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.

me: wait, what?

Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.

Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.

WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇

*links to story on mainstream media site*

Me: I’m not much of a sports guy anymore.

Me, during the Olympics: Bear with me. The US women’s water polo team absolutely embarrassed Greece in the pool this morning, and I lost my voice in all the excitement. You understand.

[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING

Murderer: What?

Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps

Murderer: omg lemme check mine