VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
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A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
I found your tweet-up…
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
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Covid like
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*