Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife

It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again

#dalle2

I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.

Just me?

[spelling bee]

JUDGE: your word is antonym

ME: synonym

JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example

ME: *lips on mic* i-t

her: i’m a cat person

me:

her:

me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky

Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history

I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!

I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.

The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.

“Your colon will thank you”

Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me

Therapist: How do you feel?

Me: With my hands.

T: Do you deflect a lot?

Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.

If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?

Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were

REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?

OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2

The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.

People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.

Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.

My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”

Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn

Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”

“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks

Before countdowns were invented:

*6:30 at Chili’s*

Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?

“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on

Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.

My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father

[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?

BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most

ME: Are u sure?!

B: Yeah easy, trust me

i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins

i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”

they should invent a rest for the wicked