Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.

At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.

The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.

my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”

When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.

To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.

Ugh. Still no word from Disney about my RATATOUILLE sequel, where Remy the rat finds himself controlled by an even smaller creature. I was hoping to sell FLEA MIGNON by the end of May.

I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.

For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country

“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”

– Hannibal Labradoodle

Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…

A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.

*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE

After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.

-My son, apparently

Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.

Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.

Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?

Bowling Ball:

Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]

Dog: You gonna eat that?

CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth

Picasso: how

i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic

My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.

My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.

ACED my prostate exam!

My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.

If the zombie apocalypse happens we’re double screwed because at least 70 million are on record as having no brain

ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife

ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot

snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it

DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie

THEM: ok

DA: Will Smith is one of the cops

THEM: k

DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc

THEM: no that’s crazy

EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini

#BRIGHTMovie

BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.

me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do

kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them

My son just won the Most Unused Napkin award at dinner

I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.