Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?

Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.

[several months ago]

BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby

JAY-Z: How many we got

BEYONCÉ: One

JAY-Z: Not a problem

How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.

Happy birthday to actor Sam Elliot, who turns 80 today, and to his mustache, who turns 79.

Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.

[First Date]

Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?

I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.

[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard

Monday again. I just knew this would happen

when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you

Her: I’m having a dry party.

Me: Sorry, I’m busy.

Her: You don’t even know when.

Me: You don’t even know me.

Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it

“I hope to find you well.”

I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.

ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26

HIM: I’m a running back.

ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.

A comma is just a period with a mullet.

Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.

I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.

Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?

👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!

Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones

When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.

Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.

Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.

Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.

Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?

God: I don’t play favorites.

Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?

God: those are just names.

Pug: yeah I guess.

God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.

Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?

By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.

Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.

I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*