Voting for coroner
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So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
Erm…
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
Called in, “Let’s make this simple. What excuse haven’t I used yet?
my first day as a raccoon
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*