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Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.