Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
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Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
that de-escalated quickly
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
A wee field mouse has been showing up at my door every few days for the last 2 weeks. He’s very polite. I say please go the other way, buddy! And he always does. Anyway, today my neighbor saw me telling him goodbye as he scurried off, so now I have to move.
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
Why are the produce aisles empty but the booze aisles fully stocked? I guess I’m in luck!
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay