Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
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A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
For only £3 a month you can adopt an economy passenger. Help us stop the brutal and inhumane way we treat them by donating today. You’ll receive a framed picture of your very own economy passenger and regular updates as to where their luggage might be. Thank you
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
Right, that’ll keep the plane spotters away from the bottom of the runway, next job…
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.