Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
You Might Also Like
My favorite part about being sick is when you sneeze with a cough drop in your mouth and it launches across the room like a cruise missile.
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
Love it! 👍😂
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
Salad is the decaf of food.
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
I have chosen my priorities!
#studies #exams
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon