Voting is the worst group project
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Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
rest in peas
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
Stop blaming others for your mistakes.
Study feng shui and blame the furniture
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
I lost my job at NASA Mission Control today. I misheard when they said, “It’s lunch time.”
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
i think we should see other cousins
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
Took three Ambiens and tried to call God on the microwave
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
The jeans are skinny. I’m not
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too