Voting is the worst group project
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Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
Holy crap this is wonderful
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
of course babies cry when flying, their entire understanding of planes centres around them being eaten
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks