Voting is the worst group project
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This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
Me, “Hi. Good morning. I have the worst toothache. It feels like I’m in labor without an epidural and an 8 lb baby is about to be born where my tooth is.”
Dentist Office, “Sorry to hear that. We have a small window of availability on August 6th, does that work for you?”
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
mathematicians be like “the limit does not exist” ok nerd then how come I’m at mine
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free