Voting is the worst group project
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I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
opening twitter today
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend… especially the mom that many years ago was leaving a very busy playground and her kid yelled to his brother “hurry up! Mom wants too poop pretty bad!”
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.