Voting is the worst group project
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A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
rebranding
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.