Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The way my phone’s facial recognition pretends not to recognize me, you’d think I dated it.

My wife working in our garden: How does it look?

Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.

My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..

I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.

My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.

I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.

So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.

I’ve left my past behind me so if I owe you money sorry I’ve left it behind me

her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…

him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?

I have been told to stop stealing muffins from the bakery. Unfortunately, it’s the only way to keep my lucrative muffin stand in business. Everyone is fine with this.

who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area

Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey

I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.

People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.

customs agent:
Anything to declare?

me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.

Thinking about having kids?

Buy a plant.

If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.

[on a date]

Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?

toddler: daddy do you like this book?

me: no

toddler: *snuggles in* perfect

Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.

Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.

Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –

except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!

You’re in a pickle…oh okay that sounds nice, can it be bread and butter please?

‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.

Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?

Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”

Stan: “Hey there.”

A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:

She has her umbrella.
She has her period.

I come from a long line of ancestors. My whole family tree is full of ancestors, every single branch. But not me. I decided to make a change. I’m a descendant. Never let the past hold you back.

Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey

Me: Tonight?

Her: Yes

[After the movie]

Her: OMG that was so hot!

Me: Mom, please just stop talking

of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare

man: wait

time: no

🤣🤣