*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
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I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.