Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Waiting at the dentist]

*leans over to stranger*

I’ll clean your teeth for half price.

Cult Leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods

*me pulling up in my jeep with rubber ducks on my dashboard*

Me: why’s everyone looking at me?

When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.

Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?

Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.

I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.

Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.

Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?

accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar

[first date]

ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato

HER: It’s really hot in here

ME: [starts baking] oh no

My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.

In case anyone was wondering if I’m this bad in real life too

I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.

My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.

[in deep space]

Everyone: [in hypersleep]

Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]

Ever since CATS come out things have been way off

Me: *opens a package*

5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!

Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.

5:

Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.

David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.

Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-

There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.

me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda

Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?

Me: Definitely an alive person

Friend:

Me: Better conversation

Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.

Exits public bathroom stall

Makes eye contact with the person next in line

Mouths: “I’m so sorry”

Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you

Me: Everything ok?

My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.

✌🏽

My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that

[giving a eulogy for my doctor]

ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples

ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.

Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”