Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.

Olympics, but with real life skills like who can build the tallest pile of trash on top of the can to avoid taking it out

Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.

So I am at work and my wife calls. Tells me she grabbed my chocolate Oreos by mistake, which she hates. Separated one, saw her mistake, put it back together and back in the bag. So if I find one a little off centered not to worry about it.

This is my life.

Why is it spelled camouflage and not

Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.

Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can

My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta

When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.

WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!

Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.

The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.

[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky

My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.

[first day in prison]

“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”

My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split

We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.

Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.

A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.

It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.

i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click

My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave

[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.

[after the apocalypse]

God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver

Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man

God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?

Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.

Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..

I’m going bananas!

*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.

College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years

Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”

I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”