Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.

Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.

i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”

me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!

my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ

me: who

(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.

Read an interesting statistic this morning: ‘Over 73% of women are deeply unhappy with their sex life.’ I still have no idea how it got laminated and stuck on the fridge door at home though.

[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.

I told my kid if he plays my drums again there will be repercussions

And send

I’m hunting wabbits…

My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.

I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married

Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch

[camera zooms in]

Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*

Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*

When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.

SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT

4yo: can you get this open for me?

Me: oomph this is kinda tough

4yo: use your claws

rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭

Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.

you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am

I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”

🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon

21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off

51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”

My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.

Goats that intimidate others are bully goats

Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it

Me: ok

[at grocery store]

Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi

Clerk: quinoa

Me: definitely not eating that

Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.

Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?

Antique dealer: …What?

[trying on a camouflage jacket]

Me: how much is this

Store Clerk: how much is what