Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
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Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
I failed as a person; I’m a dinosaur now.
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
life is over at 7. no more endless playtime, no more baby food, forced to go to school, and you cant even throw tantrums anymore. at that point you should just give up
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky
They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?