Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

putting a blanket over my boss so he thinks it’s night time and goes to sleep

Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.

Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.

I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.

Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*

very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids

Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛

stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society

[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”

Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people

Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?

7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting

Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills

Me: yes that number is zero

At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs

Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.

2024 was a year of tremendous personal growth. I’m up four pants sizes since January.

Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.

I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”

3% human
97% stress

is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner

A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”

I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.

1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…

2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?

“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.

[person having normal conversation with me]

Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response

‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’

~dogs in therapy

*uses Ouija board*

ＮＥＷ ＰＨＯＮＥ ＷＨＯ ＤＩＳ

2024: “I’m sick of that Hawk Tauh Girl… When is her 15 minutes of fame gonna be up?”

2032: “I hope President Hawk Tauh Girl gets a second term.”

There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.

I asked my 6 year old if he wanted to try out again for the school play and he said no I think I’ll take a break from Hollywood.

me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right

[later at dinner]

Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine