VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
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Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy