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Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.